§  “Frankly, the undersigned would guess the lawyers in this case did not attend kindergarten, as they never learned how to get along well with others.  Notwithstanding the history of filings and antagonistic motions full of personal insults . . . earning the disgust of this Court, the lawyers continue ad infinitum.”

§  “If there is a hell to which disputative, vituperative lawyers go, let it be one in which the damned are eternally locked in discovery disputes with other lawyers of equally repugnant attributes.”

§  “It is also a case in which the party that wrote the contract claims it does not mean what it says, and means what it does not say.”

§  This insurance policy “is so prolix, diffuse, and confused that it is a mystery how business can be conducted with such a verbal mishmash, but apparently it is widely used.”

The following exchanges are rumored to have actually occurred in courts:

Q:  Ms. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a subpoena?

A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q:  Ms. Bates, where do you live?

A:  Mexia, Texas.

Q:  Have you lived in Mexia all your life?

A:  Not yet.

Q:  Are you married?

A: No, I’m divorced.

Q:  What did your husband do before you divorced him?

A:  A lot of things that I don’t know about.

Q:  Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q:   Were you acquainted with the deceased?

A:  Yes.

Q:  Before or after he died?

Q:  In your opinion, how far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A:  All of my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q:  How on earth did you come to get so completely intoxicated?

A:  I got in bad company.  You see, there were four of us.  I had a bottle of whiskey, and the other three don’t touch the stuff.

Q:  [To a child witness] And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, okay?  What school did you go to?